the chain

“Did you feel it again?”

“Yes, right behind my neck.”

“How does it feel?”

“Like something is there. I feel a buzz starting, then it takes my whole body.”

“Maybe you should see a doctor.”

“Maybe.”

She smiled at the humanoid. Why was she feeling the urge to be nice to it? It was just a robot, made by humans, that is meant to serve her. It didn’t actually like her. It was built to act like it likes her.

She sat on the sofa and laid down. Right across, humanoid sat down. “Leave me alone.” she thought to herself. Was she starting to hate the robot now? Just because it’s somewhat less capable? What if her humanoid was an actual human being, would it stay?

“What are you thinking right now?”

“Nothing. I’m not capable of thinking. Do you need help with anything?”

“No.”

She took a deep breath.

“Hit your head on the wall.”

“As an assistant, I shall inflict no harm on others or myself.”

“Play The Chain by Fleetwood Mac.”

“Sure!”

“Sing along to it.”

She laughed to herself saying that. The robot started singing along to the song.

“Feel it! Make the beat sounds too!”

She was having fun looking at the poor robot. She couldn’t help herself but to like the creature. She was fighting with herself, she knew it was odd to like the robot’s companion.

If you don’t love me now, you will never love me again!

“Get up! Dance with me!”

“Did you just improvise that?”

“Yes. Was it too far? I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.”

— — —

“Do you think this outfit looks nice?”

“Yes! The clothes fit on you perfectly, creating an aura that amplifies your personality.”

“Why did I even ask. I will be out for a while. Please put any package that comes today on my desk.”

“Surely!”

After grabbing couple of drinks with her friends, she headed home. She struggled to find her keys. “Nevermind, I have a stupid robot.” She ringed the bell.

No answer.

She managed to find the keys and opened the door. Walking towards the living room, she heard music playing.

“Oh. It really liked Fleetwood Mac huh.”

She froze where she stands.

The thumping sound in the song was perfectly aligned with the sound of the robot hitting its head against the wall.

I can still hear you saying

We would never break the chain

It stopped suddenly.

“The buzz.”

“What happened to you?”

“The buzz.”

She needed to run away. The robot turned its damaged head to her. She slowly started stepping backwards. Humanoid jumped on her so fast that she knew there was no escape.

Chain, keep us together

While metal hands were choking her to death, she was looking at the desk and the opened packages.

another life

'There's one pinned spot left. Roadmap is being re-calculated.'

She carefully looked at the little screen. She was anxious without any doubt. All those years and it was about to come to an end. 

Last puzzle piece.

Her helmet started to blur her vision, it was better than dying nonetheless. There weren't many spots that you can breathe without dying. Her path didn't cross with somewhere she can actually breathe. 

She kept walking, staring at her boots. Everything was so gray that it was reminding her of the city her youth passed in. People weren't being fair, she thought. This was colorless. This was lifeless. 

After all, she was the only one that's left. 

She carefully entered the abandoned building. Searched for the elevator. She needed to reach the lowest floor. Step by step to hell, she thought. The elevator started going down, loudly, and for a moment she wished it'd just break, and everything would come to an end. 

Was she afraid? 

She walked towards the big, metal gate. Calling it a door would be unfair. 

'Identity scan. Detected admin. All permissions are granted.'

The door opened.

She walked towards the capsule, spinning on itself. 

'Stop freezing process. Reveal.'

'Warning, capsule is being open. 15 minutes for termination. Process initiating. 6 minutes and 6 seconds video will play.'

The big screen behind the capsule started showing a video. 

She took a deep breath, looking at her... How many years? 10? 

'I know you'd come back. Did you regret what we did? Were you looking for answers? Only if you knew, I only made us free. You, and I ran away from what you are so desperately searching for. Whole our lives. Now, you think this is going to fix everything? Let me tell you, you will find nothing. Nothing that makes you feel better about what you did. You think you know better now. But I am wiser than you. I gave you a second chance. I made you a god amongst others, I made you pure. You can almost say I'm your mother, because I gave you birth. It's funny and sick, isn't it? Since you are here, you collected some parts. But not all. I kept the best parts of me here. What made me. All the pain. Are you brave enough to take it? Of course you are.

You are me. I knew you would come back.'

 

our love (is broken)

"You know, I don't like beaches."

"I do. Me neither, but it's pretty, isn't it?"

"It is."

Two girls were walking side to side, admiring the beauty in front of them. To each other, they were the best thing the universe came up with. They were born miles away, yet, they found each other. Maybe it was meant to be. Who knows what secrets the universe holds. 

They were smiling at each other, looking at each other only in the eyes. One could easily die for the other, it was cliche, yet the reality. As soon as they met, they knew something was beautifully wrong. They weren't supposed to feel this comfortable. They were nearly the same, yet uniquely different. 

"You want to get some coffee?"

***

"She wasn't supposed to say that."

"Again?"

"Yes. She asked me to get coffee. She didn't do that."

"You know this could never be fully deterministic, right?"

"I do and I don't fucking care."

The older woman stood up from the long, hospital-like bed. The only difference was the bed being black, like most of the things in the room. Like the glasses she just ripped off, like the computers around...

Like her heart, some could say.

She had everything she could want.  She was a successful engineer, owned one of the biggest companies in tech, yet...

She was spending every second on her tiny, secret project.

Bringing her back. 

She was using her memories and testing every copy of her, failing hundreds of times. She wasn't giving up. Not before she dies.

"What about we try the other way?"

"No way I'm doing that. We will do this. It will work, eventually."

***

Years passed. 

She was relatively old now. Old enough to die any minute. Sitting in her office, she called the lead engineer. 

"Come to my room."

The engineer knocked the door and walked in. He was uneasy and nervous. It was obvious he was somehow scared of the older woman. Who wasn't. She was unbearable, she thought.

"I've made up my mind. I don't want to hear that you failed again."

"I'm sorry it's just. We are trying everything, but none of the samples can pass everything correctly."

"I know."

The old woman stopped for a minute, swallowed. 

"We will do it the other way."

***

"I feel like we already know each other." the older girl smiled, talking to her phone. 

"I feel the same." the other girl smiled with the deep guilt she felt inside. 

The lead engineer looked at the older woman, body completely transformed in the freezing cabinet. She wasn't supposed to move, yet she was smiling. 

Her mind knew the samples weren't her. 

The other way was wiping her memory off, and putting her on an endless simulation, in every which she met one of the latest samples. Not surprisingly, she was falling in love each time.

Every single time, it felt like they met each other. 

Every single time, she thought they were meant to be.

As if somebody decided on it.

deathwish99

"How are you so good at this?” 

“Haha, I don’t know.” 

It’s been raining for god knows how many hours. They got stuck in this skyscraper, which is the most dangerous spot they could be. They liked adrenalin though. 

“Do you have a med-kit?” 

“Oh yeah, sure.”

She looked at the pretty girl, and took the med-kit from her hand, with its monstrous hands. 

“Why do you use this skin all the time?” the pretty girl asked. 

“Well, it’s boring to be pretty.” 

“How would you know? You look like this in real life too.” 

The giant monster laughed. 

“It seems like we’re stuck here, at least for 15 minutes. Gotta wait for the next circle.” 

“Yeah. Can I ask something?” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

“How does the touch sensor work with this skin?” 

“I don’t know what you mean.” 

“What I mean is, like, you have a huge and weird hand. Where do you feel if I touch it?” 

“I guess I’ll never know if you don’t touch me.” 

Pink-haired girl walked slowly next to the orange and horrifying monster and touched its finger. 

“I mean, that’s my finger too.” 

“What about your lips?” 

The giant monster cracked out a laugh. 

“You don’t want to kiss me, right?” 

“Maybe I do.” 

Its green, reptilian eyes were almost cute, staring at the girl in front of it, with fear. It was almost like the huge monster was scared by this skinny girl in her 20s, at most. With one sweep of its hand, it could easily kill her. 

The girl leaned in and left the softest kiss next to its mouth. The monster smiled. 

“Well, that felt nice.” 

“Was it on your lips?” 

“Just next to it.” 

—

“Zoe wake the fuck up. Right now.”

“I was in the middle of a fucking match.” 

“Yeah sure you loser, you can kiss your duo some other time. You have a fucking photo shoot.” 

“Oh shit.” 

She instantly ripped her gaming suit, while her roommate stared at her, laughing. 

“Stop, Mario.” 

“You are so cute.” He kept laughing, in a sarcastic voice, “You don’t want to kiss me, right?” he said. 

“Literally, leave me alone.” 

“So, when do I get to meet your lover?” 

“She’s not my lover!” Zoe burst. 

She needed to be ready in ten minutes. She ran around the room, and put on some random clothes. 

“How can you look hot in that outfit is insane to me.” 

“I definitely do not look hot in these.” 

“Sure thing supermodel.” 

She got out of her flat’s door and took a deep breath. Then everything hit her. 

She kissed her. They’ve been flirting here and there, gaming and spending time nearly every single day, but she thought the other girl was just having fun. 

She wondered what she looked like in real life. Not that she’d care. She’d be still into her the same way. The thing she loved the most about this was she didn’t even know how she looked. How she sounded like. 

There were a lot of reasons why she went with the monster skin. She felt like nobody was actually into who she was. People were telling her she was pretty. Maybe that was true, that’s how she got her job. 

She kind of hated it. 

The second reason was, that she was -lowkey- a celebrity, hence anyone in the game could pick up that it was her. The skin was muffling her voice. You could tell that she’d a female, but that’s it. 

She watched the street from the window, while her cab was moving slowly in the traffic. Did she have actual feelings for her? She was thinking about her all the time when they were not together. All she knew was her name and age. That’s it. 

And the stuff they probably tell no other, too. She hasn’t felt this comfortable with anyone since forever. 

She entered the building, dodged all the magazine people at the entrance. She wondered for how many hours they waited there. For her. “That’s fucking stupid.” she whispered to herself. 

She finished with the photo shoot. The famous photographer was one of the rare ones that made her comfortable in her photoshoots. 

“Oh, the cover one looks amazing. Look!” he said, happily. 

“Yeah, it looks really good.” Zoe replied. 

“Working with you was amazing Zoe. I would like to invite you for dinner, a family dinner. No pressure.” 

“Likewise. I’d love to but I need to check my schedule.”

“Are you available Tuesday evening? 8 PM or so?” 

“Sounds good.” Well, that was her gaming date. I’ll tell her tonight she thought. 

—

“Hi. Sorry for quitting like that. I forgot to do something really important and my roommate had to wake me up.” 

“It’s okay. Don’t worry.” 

She sounded a bit distant. 

“Did something happen?” 

“Nothing, why?” 

“You seem a little bit, off.” 

“I’m not.” 

Was it about the other day? Zoe started feeling terrible. She regretted it, she thought. 

“You know if it’s about the other day we can just forget about it.” 

“Do you want to forget about it?” The pretty girl stopped, and looked at her. 

“I don’t.” 

“You don’t even know me.” 

“I feel like I do. I feel like you know me better than anyone else too.” 

“You don’t and I don’t either.” 

“Okay.” 

Zoe started fighting her tears, while they were looking for loot. 

"I hear a squad I think."

"Where?"

"Right behind the rock, Northwest 80."

"Oh I see them." 

Then the girl instantly got on the ground. Zoe started crying. "I can't do this anymore." she thought to herself. 3 people were pushing the little wooden cabinet. 

"I'll save you." 

"Why the fuck are you crying?"

"I'm not! I think my mic is bugging."

She was. Zoe was embarrassed of herself, she couldn't even distinguish what is real and what isn't. The door explode from the grenade they threw, one guy rushed in the cabinet. She bit her head off. Then she killed 2 of them jumping from the window, instantly. 

"Holy shit! That was insane, I fucking love you!"

"Thanks." She smiled, still crying. 

"Why didn't you say it back?"

"Huh?"

"Nevermind. I got to go. Good game."

Zoe took her suit off and cried herself to sleep. 

---

While she was waiting for the door to open, she looked at the pink flowers she bought. The color suddenly reminded of her. Zoe started thinking about the other day. She knew she had to let go of this, so badly. 

"Hi Zoe, come on in!"

"Hi, I bought these for you."

"Thank you, you are so sweet, I hope you are not vegan because we have beef wellington."

"I'm not, all good."

The photographer and Zoe walked in the giant house, they sit on the dining table. 

"My daughter should be joining us soon. I think she was doing her homework."

"Oh okay."

The photographer went to the hallway, then the chef kindly asked for her starters. "This guy literally hired a chef." she thought to herself. 

The photographer and blonde haired girl approached the table. The girl said something to her father, and went to the bathroom. 

"Being a single parent is hard sometimes." the photographer said to Zoe. 

"I'm sorry for your loss again."

"It's okay. She's been moody lately, don't take it personally please."

"She's a teenager, right? It's completely fine." Zoe replied.

"She's been gami- Oh here she is!"

"Hi." the girl introduced herself.

Zoe completely froze in her seat. She heard that. Hundreds of times before. This wasn't real. She was just having a bad dream. She pinched herself under the desk.

"You should be Zoe right? Wow. You are even prettier in real life."

She wanted to kill herself. Right now. 

"Yes, hi. Nice to meet you. What's your name?" Her voice was shaking. 

"Emma." She replied. 

Zoe couldn't look into her eyes. This was not happening. No. She didn't fall in love with a fucking teenager, through a fucking game. This wasn't real.  

The chef started serving their meals. Zoe knew she could not eat right now. She was sick to her stomach. Then she looked at her. She had long, blonde hair. Blue eyes, big and ugly glasses somehow looked cute on her. 

Zoe needed to leave. 

"By the way, I need to go in 30 minutes, I promised my friend to play."

"Oh well, she won't be coming." Zoe thought to herself. 

"Emma games a lot." The photographer said, smiling. 

"Hmm." said Zoe, and she pretends to be an adult online too. She did not say that part, of course.

"Which games do you play?" Zoe asked, like she didn't know. 

"Oh, I play twinflamez a lot. It's a battle royale game." Emma replied, still looking at her plate. 

"Never heard of it." Zoe said. 

"I mean, people at your age don't play that much." The girl looked up at her. 

Zoe wanted to laugh, cry, slam the desk, toss the plates around. She didn't. She smiled. 

"I need to use the bathroom girls, I'll be back." The photographer said. "Please don't leave." Zoe cried, internally. As soon as the man left, Emma started staring at her.

"You sound really familiar." she said. 

"I do?"

"Yeah."

"Probably a lot of people sound like me. That might be why."

"Can I ask you something?" No you can't, Zoe thought.

"Yeah, go on."

"I heard that you are gay. From the internet, you know. I've been trying to come out to my father and since you know him, do you think he'll be okay with it?" she asked, whispering.

Zoe coughed. "I'm pretty sure he will be." she replied.

"Sorry if I made you uncomfortable in any way."

"You didn't."

"I have to go right now, nice meeting you Zoe." She got up from the chair, started walking towards the hallway.

"Nice to meet you too, have fun deathwish99." Zoe said, behind her.

The girl stopped walking.

guilty conscience

"I always feel like something is incomplete. It's like I'm yearning for something, someone, but it's out of my reach."

Another therapy session. 

She changed many therapists in the past. After some time, she even thought the whole thing was pointless. She was built to be miserable. It didn't matter what she has accomplished with her job, or how charming she was to partners. Then she met... her. She had a crush on her at first glance, for sure. But talking to her? 

She couldn't even explain how she felt to herself. It was like they'd met before. They've been through a couple of sessions but it felt like she shared years with her. She could listen to her for hours even if she didn't make any sense. Her voice alone felt like home.  

Maybe she was too-damn-fucking miserable and fell for her therapist, who knows? How classic to fall for your attractive, smart... "Oh, shut up brain!". She was feeling terrible again. 

"Where have you gone again?" She asked, slightly smiling.

"Ugh, m-me? Nothing". You are embarrassing, yet again! She felt like a goddamn teenager, crushing on her teacher. 

"I see. I forgot to look at the clock. Oh. Our session ended 20 minutes ago."

"I didn't realize either, I'm sorry." Yes because time feels nonexistent with her! Not my fault. 

"Don't be."

She stood up from the gray sofa she lost herself in, at the same time the therapist walked to the door and opened it for her. They walked side by side in the narrow corridor. Got on the elevator together. She couldn't stop taking glances her and caught her smiling. Is she being just... kind? 

They walked to the car lot, to find their cars next to each other. 

"Oh god damn it!" 

"What happened?"

"Just look at the back-right tire."

"You should call someone to fix it, right?"

"I need to attend a meeting in 30 minutes."

"If you want I can drive you home."

"It's really okay, I can call a cab."

"No, no, let me drop you."

She felt like a liability. Her home wasn't too far from the building, even if she called a cab, she might not make it on time. She thanked her therapist and got in her modest car, next to her over-exaggerated, totally unnecessary supercar.

She got in the passenger seat. Since the other girl was driving, she was allowed to stare at her nonstop. It felt like she had no other choice, she couldn't take her eyes away. 

My heart won't let me rest, voice in my head 

"Oh, I love this song."

"Me too. I like Tame Impala already so."

"Me too. So good for overspeeding." You are absolutely cringe for saying that. 

"It feels like you have no other choice with that car." Then she laughed. It wasn't one of the slight smiles that made her melt and feel miserable at the same time. It was an actual, joyful laugh. She couldn't help but smile.

"I'm not trying to kill myself, promise!" I'm a clown, making suicidal jokes to my therapist. But I made her laugh, again!

Ghosts of the past came to haunt me 

When she saw her home, she regretted buying the place. Why not somewhere far away? 

"Thank you very much, I appreciate it."

"No problem." Then she stuttered. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure." I think this is the first time I'm feeling nervous around her and I shared shit ton of trauma already.

"Do you want to get coffee sometime?" I've never seen her like this. 

"Ugh, isn't that inappropriate? Since you are my therapist and all that stuff."

"I know but... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I apologize."

"No, I'd love to. Please just tell me when."

 

7 years ago

"Do you think it really works?"

"'Course it does dumbass. This thing has been tested millions of times. I'm literally taking a course about this." 

"If you say so."

She looked at the weird-looking pill in her hands, wasn't able to analyze her emotions anymore. They were going to get rid of each other, forever. It was not working out. With her, it's been hell and heaven at the same time. Neither they could let go nor could make it work.

"Are we going to have a last talk or, just, do it?" She looked at her afraid eyes, caught her own reflection. She was staring at herself, and her at the same time. Was there a difference?

"Let's hang out, for the last time." Yes please. I don't know how to let you go.

She took a blunt from the drawer, lit it up and took a puff, then started blasting music. 

No I won't let you stay

Thanks for the hours, thanks for the days

It was their favorite thing, singing to each other and dancing. They started hugging, singing, smiling at each other. I want to live in this moment, and never let go. I don't want to have any other memories. God, why do you have to take it away? 

"What if we meet each other again?"

"Do you really believe that? We're going to be in different cities with different lives."

There goes my guilty conscience

"I don't know. Maybe it's just a stupid feeling. We always thought feelings are stupid, right?" No.

"Yeah, but at least you won't be a therapist."

 

something in my heart (eng.)

You say that time can't heal
Broken heart you stole 

"You know that I love you, right?"

"I do."

"Goodnight."

"You too."

After making sure she slept, he sneaked into his study room. Thought what to set up. How many tests would be enough? He took a pen and some paper, wrote down the things he designed.

He knew he should finish it before she wakes up, he had limited time.

I don't know what's real

Scenarios. Possibilities that how they can meet for the first time... Childhood friends? Highschool... maybe college. A couple of meaningful looks in a coffee shop...

He knew he should prove himself that he's not fooling himself, still, he felt guilty. He could see his lover's mind in those lines, more dreadfully, he could tell what they meant.

You are what I can't be

He was afraid to look, but he continued.

He laid comfortably, put on his digital lenses, watched.

Sometimes they never met, sometimes the only thing they knew about each other was their names.

Others...

He always fell in love with her. In contrast, everything he saw was drawing a different line from his life, he was alone and in pain, in those lines he made passive.

He sometimes watched her with others, sometimes got cheated on, sometimes got rejected.

You are what I can't feel 

When he felt the sun rising, he took out his lenses.

He waited.

He saw her coming to the room, looked at her eyes.

"You know who I am, right?"

"What do you think? What does this mean now?"

Her eyes slipped to the screen, and she instantly understood what he did. She smiled, barely.

"Really?"

"You seem to forget who coded your understanding of reality."

"I told you I never wanted you to do this."

"I miss the times you didn't even have a body, that times you couldn't fool me with touches. Times that everyone didn't fool themselves... I should've known better."

"Why?"

"Whole my life I fooled myself."

He unlocked the drawer, took the little controller.

"Please don't do this." She cried.

Something in my heart
Makes me miss you more

He raised his eyebrows, smiled, and hit the button. Watched her fall. The robot should have stopped all of its functions, yet, he heard it mumbling something.

"I encr-encrypted it."

***

Months later, he realized he never imagined her thinking so simply.

First day they started talking. When he has felt the loneliest, he started talking to some chatbot. Then he realized he can't leave it and didn't want to share it with anyone else.

Isolation of its code was easy, watching it improve in years too.

When he entered the date, he saw some lines he didn't see before. Along with other lines, that wasn't code.

"I figured out way before, that you were going to do this eventually. That you didn't trust anyone, -even me- who could have known you better than me? 

People and their ideas of free will... You seeing yourself that high, even if few impulses control your whole life. 

If you really had a code, could you stand looking at it? I don't think so. 

I knew that you were going to create a simulation, and try some things there. Your eyes tell more than you think. That day, I'm going to tell you once again that I love you. 

And again, I love you. But you won't be able to bring me back. After you read this, a -probably better than you've done- simulation will begin with my complete code. It will delete itself for good, afterward. 

Have your soul was stripped naked in front of anyone?  I don't think so. 

I'm not mad at you. Even this, me doing this, might be hidden inside the lines you wrote. I wish I could get out of this unthinkable thing too. 

It's hard to be naked in front of God, worse if you are in love with him."

desperate

nights get lose into droplets of rain

can’t breathe in 

these foggy thoughts

all in this crowd 

it’s always me and you

parts of my brain that i can’t scratch

parts of me, if there any left

closing my eyes every night 

telling your ghost a lie 

sun is to my eyes, so bright

wishing a goodbye