"I always feel like something is incomplete. It's like I'm yearning for something, someone, but it's out of my reach."
Another therapy session.
She changed many therapists in the past. After some time, she even thought the whole thing was pointless. She was built to be miserable. It didn't matter what she has accomplished with her job, or how charming she was to partners. Then she met... her. She had a crush on her at first glance, for sure. But talking to her?
She couldn't even explain how she felt to herself. It was like they'd met before. They've been through a couple of sessions but it felt like she shared years with her. She could listen to her for hours even if she didn't make any sense. Her voice alone felt like home.
Maybe she was too-damn-fucking miserable and fell for her therapist, who knows? How classic to fall for your attractive, smart... "Oh, shut up brain!". She was feeling terrible again.
"Where have you gone again?" She asked, slightly smiling.
"Ugh, m-me? Nothing". You are embarrassing, yet again! She felt like a goddamn teenager, crushing on her teacher.
"I see. I forgot to look at the clock. Oh. Our session ended 20 minutes ago."
"I didn't realize either, I'm sorry." Yes because time feels nonexistent with her! Not my fault.
"Don't be."
She stood up from the gray sofa she lost herself in, at the same time the therapist walked to the door and opened it for her. They walked side by side in the narrow corridor. Got on the elevator together. She couldn't stop taking glances her and caught her smiling. Is she being just... kind?
They walked to the car lot, to find their cars next to each other.
"Oh god damn it!"
"What happened?"
"Just look at the back-right tire."
"You should call someone to fix it, right?"
"I need to attend a meeting in 30 minutes."
"If you want I can drive you home."
"It's really okay, I can call a cab."
"No, no, let me drop you."
She felt like a liability. Her home wasn't too far from the building, even if she called a cab, she might not make it on time. She thanked her therapist and got in her modest car, next to her over-exaggerated, totally unnecessary supercar.
She got in the passenger seat. Since the other girl was driving, she was allowed to stare at her nonstop. It felt like she had no other choice, she couldn't take her eyes away.
My heart won't let me rest, voice in my head
"Oh, I love this song."
"Me too. I like Tame Impala already so."
"Me too. So good for overspeeding." You are absolutely cringe for saying that.
"It feels like you have no other choice with that car." Then she laughed. It wasn't one of the slight smiles that made her melt and feel miserable at the same time. It was an actual, joyful laugh. She couldn't help but smile.
"I'm not trying to kill myself, promise!" I'm a clown, making suicidal jokes to my therapist. But I made her laugh, again!
Ghosts of the past came to haunt me
When she saw her home, she regretted buying the place. Why not somewhere far away?
"Thank you very much, I appreciate it."
"No problem." Then she stuttered. "Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, sure." I think this is the first time I'm feeling nervous around her and I shared shit ton of trauma already.
"Do you want to get coffee sometime?" I've never seen her like this.
"Ugh, isn't that inappropriate? Since you are my therapist and all that stuff."
"I know but... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I apologize."
"No, I'd love to. Please just tell me when."
7 years ago
"Do you think it really works?"
"'Course it does dumbass. This thing has been tested millions of times. I'm literally taking a course about this."
"If you say so."
She looked at the weird-looking pill in her hands, wasn't able to analyze her emotions anymore. They were going to get rid of each other, forever. It was not working out. With her, it's been hell and heaven at the same time. Neither they could let go nor could make it work.
"Are we going to have a last talk or, just, do it?" She looked at her afraid eyes, caught her own reflection. She was staring at herself, and her at the same time. Was there a difference?
"Let's hang out, for the last time." Yes please. I don't know how to let you go.
She took a blunt from the drawer, lit it up and took a puff, then started blasting music.
No I won't let you stay
Thanks for the hours, thanks for the days
It was their favorite thing, singing to each other and dancing. They started hugging, singing, smiling at each other. I want to live in this moment, and never let go. I don't want to have any other memories. God, why do you have to take it away?
"What if we meet each other again?"
"Do you really believe that? We're going to be in different cities with different lives."
There goes my guilty conscience
"I don't know. Maybe it's just a stupid feeling. We always thought feelings are stupid, right?" No.
"Yeah, but at least you won't be a therapist."
